Icarus Flies Again
A novel by Elijah Brahmi
“Never regret thy fall, O Icarus of the fearless flight, For the greatest tragedy of them all, Is never to feel the burning light.”
--- Oscar Wilde
Table of Contents:
Chapter One: Welcome to Darthmore.
Chapter Two: Icarus vs. The Real World
Chapter Three: The Passenger.
Chapter Four: In Paradise, where the Sepraents lie.
Chapter four: The Ballad of Hard Times
Chapter Five: The Limits of Friends
Chapter Six: Running Off to Join the Circus
Chapter Seven: Love in Flight
Chapter Seven: The Stings of Success
Chapter Eight: Hawks of Dawn
Chapter Nine: Kiss the Skies
Chapter Ten: The Last Fight for Freedom
Chapter Eleven: Death Sentence, Revenge
Chapter Twelve: Love’s Third Eye
Epilogue:
Chapter One:
Welcome to Darthmore.
I heard the Atrium was filling up fast from a girl walking by. Every seat of the pavilion was claimed within minutes, she said, before walking in the direction of the glass hive atop West Hill. That was my cue to leave; I was already late. I snapped awake onfrom the bench I was sitting on outside my dorm, andso in haste, I gathered my satchel and school, and booked it for the Atrium to hopefully make it to class on tim,e, trying to remember where it was on the map. I ended up following the stream of students likely heading to the same class as I was. I looked around nervously, as I fumbled down the dirt path, darting my head back and forth at all my fellow students and couldn't help but swell with pride. I couldn't believe I was finally going to college, and not just any college, Darthmore. It’s one of the best universities in the world, right behind Oxford, and it didn't look much different either. As I made my way to class, I slowed down to a stroll, to wander aimlessly past wind turbines and futuristic solar panels. I fell behind themy group I was following just to takesoak in every last landmark. I passed small on-campus cottages and medieval homes lined up next to greenhouses, campus theatres, and art museums. I passed falling gardens, ancient wooden domes and cathedrals, I was especially taken a back bywith Huntington's hall with, opulent French architecture., t To think we would be eating there every night, inat a building that looked less like a college dining hall and more of the Palace of Versailles.
The prestige and legacy were around me at every turn, a world away from the sterile white interior of St. Marge. It was deeply humbling. My eyes darted from statues scattered aroundamongst campus, predating the nation's founding, to the great Sabone Library, built by at the same people as Lady Liberty. You could smell the dust of the tomes byof medieval scholars in the dorms, last night on my first night here I was terrified, But I was reminded of the grandness of it all, when I woke up to the smell of history, along with my roommate's homemade paints made from rotten cheese. And all I could do was smile., Mmy whole life I'd been preparing for this moment, or just praying for it to come at all, doing everything I could for god to bless me with Darthmore’s impossible glory. My one chance. The day was already so full of hope, nothing could bring me down. But I was still terrified, one wrong move and I was’m through.
As nervous and self-conscious as I feltwas I just couldnt help but gush, trying to walk as fast as I could through the quad, to keep up with my class all heading to first period while also taking in the view of Darthmore no longer just an impossible vision on a brochure sleeve, it was now all around, all encompassing. I ran past the creek, under Great Foe’s Bridge. I walked fast to make class on time, despite my usual body weights, I could still run quite fast.
It was in that moment I realized, oh no, my weights! I forgot them in my room, first time I’d ever been outdoors without them, I felt naked, vulnerable, like a rogue swine who wandered too far from his slaughterhouse. I suddenly felt lightheaded., I was light as a feather, overcome with fear. I began to shiver and froze in place, hitting myself onover the forehead, clenching my fists and gritting my teeth. But suddenly, being without the weights, the same weights Doctor Schmitt said I needed to go everywhere with or I would die.
But despite my fear, (my anxiety disorder acting up again, a known trigger for me to loose control, witch only led to more anxiety) Still, I was suddenly…overtaken with a new sense of freedom. Of joy, like I could breathe for the first time, and bask in the beautiful sunny day air for the first time without having to see it all out of a hospital window. I could move my arms without straining my spine, I could run around and frolic among the daisies and daffodils, I could…finally be human. My face lit up at the realization of how good it felt to be weightWaight free. Wow, is this what everyone feels like? -Free , free to walk at a normal pace without slogging behind, free to run and jump and do jumping jacks and handstands, and spin, and kick, and kick and dance, to do it all. Because for once I didnt feel like I was chained to the ground at all times, like my spine and everything about my day was timed for how many Spoons I could muster to walk five feet to the bathroom down the hospital hall. I felt like I was an astronaut experiencing zero Gravity for the first time, this was the first time…I had ever not worn my Waight outside the hospital, could that really be true?
BUT then I thought of Vivans disapproving face, and suddenly snapped out of it, all joy swiftly faded to immense shame, and regret. But just as quickly as I rejoiced, the fear returned and this time it stayed. I suddenly panicked began to sweat and run to catch up again, as if I was running for my life. But dDespite my sister’s endless warnings of my fate playing over and over in my head, I didnt hav time to get them, i would be late, No I couldnt be afraid right now, this was it it was now or never. So, I shoved my fears deep down, I had to. I convinced myself I would be fine without them for one class. it was my first ever class, not just college, heh no big deal. My first class .ever. actually. It was intro to evolutionary Biology, and as long as I kept control, stayed calm and focused, and didn't let my anxiety rule me, I would be fine. I would prove to everyone I could do this on my own, that I could keep control, manage my condition, even with no need for those sordid things weighing me down.
I finally caught up to the rest of my class, we had all made it at last to the atrium. I looked up and around the high glass beehive sphere at the sunny day even noticeding a rRainbow outside, a good omen, I hoped. It truly was surreal that someone like me was actually going to be studying with the cream of the crop from around the globe, the greatest young minds in climate science, engineering, literature, and the arts. They were here, all races, sizes, styles all looking at me oddly, but that was to be expected. Before I knew it we sat took our seats in the glass seats, like a hundred chickens in a hundred glass eggs. Nnext to me under the glass honeycomb ceiling, which was open to the skies, I could see the clouds mosey on by, and feel the sunshine on my face.
I imagined learning in the atrium would be truly immersive and , I hoped I would have other classes here. The structure felt like the essence of the future, or what more hopeful generations tried to make their future like, witch was somehow even better. It was like a spaceship or a futuristic hexagonal with an open ceiling. I could Imagine classes would be moved elsewhere on rainy days.
It was like a scientific lab, classroom, event hall, lecture center, administrative building, and research garden all rolled into one. The Structure was so vast you felt as if you were outdoors always. I shuffled hiding at the center of my class, as we all finally entered the Bio Lecture center at the center of the atrium. The lecture center was surrounded by life, rare plants, a mini zoo of butterflies, and numerous aquarium tanks and terrariums with lizards, experiment mice and other critters lined the circular room, as well as test tubes, desks covered in notes, marble busts of old scientists, holograms, VR headsets, robots rolling around, and rolling white boards with math equations half smudged. It was a young creative academic’s Wet Dream.
Before class started, amongst the clinking water bottles, bags, and din chatter about symposium, syllabi, and schedules, I presumed now would be the perfect time to socialize. It would be nice to, try and say hello to my fellow students, surely, let them know im a nice, normal guy and willing to be a good friend anytime they need. The girl walking behind me looked kind, sweet and personable. She sat beside me, legs crossed in her little white dress, and big shining pink flower crown headband, she was wearing shooting star earings and talking on the phone and laughing. She was beautiful, but also… something in me said we wouldn't have a thing in common.
Still, I waved to her, smiling turning my whole body towards her, and yet she didn't see me, so I waved again. I cowered back as it was clear she looked disturbed, she just unplugged her air pod, and smiled to seem polite but was evidently deeply disinterested. So I slumped back itnto my egg and sighed, it was ok, bad timing is all, i'll try to make friends later. I pulled up my composition notebook, the doctors gave me, and a pencil I had found on the ground in my dorm preying it wasnt my roommates, hoping he wouldnt be mad at me for stealing, since I hadn't even met him yet. I was always prepared to take notes, listen attentively and do my very best. First day of class is for first impressions, a priceless asset, that's what my brother always says anyway. But to be fair he's in a punk band, so he was probably talking about impressions on a crowd rather than a class.
It's really hard to tell sometimes, with…everything, its just, really hard to tell.
When you've spent your entire life in a hospital room, everything seems like an incredible adventure, with all the same fire of a baby discovering words for the first time, revolution is hidden in every moment, it's all brand new. And I was hungry to prove myself, not just to my sister and family, but to myself. Because golden chances like these don't come every day and one wrong move and I screw it all up, forever. And I wasn't gonna let that happen.
Suddenly, A small wave of self-doubt, self hatred, and impostor syndrome fluttered over me, as I slumped over in my seat, trying to think positive thoughts, be excited for the class, the year to come, instead of doubting it and chickening out before its even begun. I'm already so shaky and overwhelmed by it all. I just muttered to myself, anxiously closing my eyes and clenching my fists as I dropped my shoulder bag at my feet in the tight space between chairs. Trying to hide my panicked expression from the perfect faces around me.
“Keep control, this is your one chance, don't mess it up.” I muttered, grasped the key around my neck hidden under my white button up dress shirt. My father gave it to me, I never knew him. My mother and sister refuse to tell me and my brother who he was, but he left me this key when I was born, and It brings me good luck, it calms me down when I need it most, keeps me grounded, and when you have anxiety a token like that can be a life saver.
“Keep calm, don’t fuck this up” I repeated to myself.
“What the hell you say to me?” tThe boy sitting on the other side of me asked, looking confused and offended.
“Nothing,” I squeaked.
“OK class! Welcome to the first day of school, I'll be your professor of Evolutionary Biology, Mr. Stix! Though you can all just call me Professor Stix. Dont worry I’m a fun professor, were gonna have fun this semester, ok, i'm sure you're all really anxious to get started so, without further ado, - Let's do attendance,–” Professor Stix said, appearing seemingly out of nowhere to start the class, before anyone was ready to begin.
He continued to go around the room reading off names like they were new Elements, addressing us all with a gravelly booming voice plucked straight from the throat of Brian Cox. I tried to tell if I was going to like this man or hate his elitist, self-centred guts.
He was a youngish guy, probably mid 30s, wearing a blue sweater, and black vest barely covering up his barrel chest and extremely refined physique., He had a brownish, greyish, bushy goatee, beard, promenade sideburns and greased over brown hair with a very impressive (possibly surgically enhanced) hairline to boot. He smiled like a cool uncle and proceeded to breeze through attendance, since the class was so large I was expecting it to go longer, my mind began to waonder till he got to me, I hate my name so this would be uncomfortable for everyone.
I was sitting in the back, so he really had to adjust his glasses to see my hand raised, behind the much taller kids sitting in front of me.
“Icarus Lightfeild?” hHe said.
“Here,.” I grumbled.
And so his lecture began, but sadly I was having a harder and harder time listening, trapped in my own head, trust me the last place anyone would ever wanna be, especially on such a sunny day like today. I ruin everything, this is gonna end badly, the open ceiling stressed me out, what if asteroids fall to earth, or I lose control, what if It starts hailing, or they drop a nuke on us right now....what if a bird shits on my head!? Anything's possible, and now that i'm here, I have no idea what is common. I mean I've read about weather patterns, but that's very different from being outside every day in the real world. That's not the world I'm from, and it's starting to show. I nervously began to squirm in my seat, sweating now, sitting in an odd bisexual pretzel, with my twig legs far out, my entire body almost slid off the chair, holding to the side of my egg for dear life.
I tried to ignore my catastrophic, end-of-the-world train of thought during his lecture, but failed. Miserably.
“So, what is evolutionary biology. It is the study of Evolution as it pertains to biology of life on earth, and beyond-Biological evolution, simply put, is descent with inherited modification. This definition encompasses everything from small-scale evolution (for example, changes in the frequency of different gene versions in a population from one generation to the next) to large-scale evolution (for example, the descent of different species from a shared ancestor over many generations). Evolution helps us to understand the living world around us, as well as its history. And traits-” he brought out a white board and began to draw a crude diagram of a life-tree.
“We humans Evolved to have certain traits for example, opposable thumbs, use of language, walking upright for example, that our ancestors, Homo Ertcutus and great apes before them, did not have, this was a key revelation in Charles Darwins the origin of species–that ended up challenging the religious conscious of the time, that god created all life one earth all at once, we now, know that not to be the case-”
Oh my god, what am I doing here, My sister was right I cant handle this, I am the only person on earth with this condition, i'm in the wild, I wanted this but I was stupid, i overestimated my abilities I —I'm losing control, I could feel the temperature ising, the chaos coming, and I was losing grip, my fear ruled, there was nothing I could do to stop this oncoming train.
“Moreover, we have traits fish, and avians, commonly known as birds–do not share, and thus, there are species that have different traits that we don't, and can never have. Such as being amphibious or being able to swim and breathe underwater like fish, or being able to Fly like a bird, they Evolved based on their environments and adaptations to those environments to have these traits we did not, we can hanglide and scuba dive but that will never chance the fact Human beings on their own, due to our evolved biology, will never be able to deep sea dive like fish, or fly like a bird—”
Suddenly, as if god himself to take time out of his day to punish me for being so bBrazen, as if the curse of my name, and the myth behind it wasis forever doomed to haunt and define me, right as our kind Professor had jinxed it, right as everything was going so well—-
I lost control.
I began to slowly float out of my chair, rising like a balloon towards the open ceiling, straight up into the skies above, at alarming speeds.
Suddenly, everyone in the class began to collectively lose their minds, just as I feared. At first, they didn't even notice since I was sitting in the back, then came stage two, denial, they couldn't believe what they were seeing, it didn't compute with their understanding of evolutionary biology, human beings, or reality itself. People screamed, thinking the world was ending, that gravity was being upended, the moon was crashing into the earth, the poles had swapped or there was some kind of giant government experiment on the United States population—something, anything to explain me, I could track it on their searching faces. The professor even adjusted his glasses to make sure he was seeing it right.
Yes, I have a deadly helium balance, a gene mutation of my own, a chromosomal disorder first of its kind, they call it, get this, Icarus Sydrome. You all got me, thats my big secret, you happy now?
I am the only person on earth with this condition, the only person on earth who can fly, or float since flying implies agency. This is why I never was allowed to go outside, why I needed to wear my weights, the only things that come-reliably prevent me from losing control, how could I be so reckless!
“Help, Help!!!” I howled, having beenbeing warned for years about this very event, knowing I could die if I floated too high, past altitude levels, or God forbid to outer space. –They would now have to call in the coast guard, choppers, to help get me down…this is a total nightmare, I was so embarrassed I could die. A very painful oncoming death.
Well, so much for blending in.
“Hey that dude's flying man! He’s Homelander!”
“Didn't he say his name was Icarus? Like, from Greek mythology?! Like the dude who flew into the sun?”
“Yo! There ain't no way!!”
“Oh my God!”
“THIS ISN'T REAL!”
“This fool is a balloon!”
“NOOOO I AINT SEEING THIS SHIT!!”
“Yo I need to livestream this, this is gonna get mad views!”
“Hey, hey!!! This is a crazy freshman prank–no way that dudes actually flyin can't you see the strings!?”
“He FLYIN bro, that's what's happening right now, how else do you explain that shit??”
“I dunno, bro this shit's demonic”
“BRO! Humans can’t fly, Prof, JUST said that shit”
“Well apparently they can! Look! He’s still going!”
“What an attention whore”
“How the hell he gonna get down!?”
“Hey man, how's the view!!!”
All the voices blended together as they became distant below me.
“HELP!! HELP ME!! GET ME DOWN!! SOMEBODY PLEASE!! CALL THE COAST GUARD!!” I shrieked, blowing out my vocal chords, hoping someone heard me. With my eyes clenched shut to the course of unpredictable nature of open air, making me shiver in terror.
I squinted to look down, to my regret, I caught a glimpse of how high I already was. Word spread fast, before I knew it our whole class was now out on the bright green quad filming and waving their arms, shortly followed by the rest of campus. Hundreds likely thousands of college students cut class to see this once in a lifetime event. God i just wanted to come down and hide away forever. I should have Listed to Vivian, this was clearly coming here was a horrible misguided childish idea. And now I was paying the price.
“Hhelp!!!” I just preyed for someone to call the coat guard, this wasn't my final day on this earth. I wouldn't be doomed to be a cautionary tale. After this is over, when I get moved back to the hospital at least me and Dr Shmitt can finish our years long game Of Go.
“Help!!! Somebody! Anybody!!” I was now among the clouds floating among my body like a parade of pink elephants dancing in time. The sun burned my eyes as I flew closer to it.
I shut my eyes so tight and hugged my chest reflexively, regressing to a fetal position. Suddenly the swift winds aimlessly free-fall. Almost as if it was all a dream, my anti-gravity, earth's atmosphere I was approaching rapidly, space, time, love, death and regret; they all faded away and it was just me against the world. I had lost all semblance of control and was now totally helpless to the elements. With my eyes shut I could feel the wet empty skies abandoning me. Reality slipping as I fell upwards, feather, then the naked eye could see.
Suddenly, I could feel a warm glow on my face. Was it heaven, or the light of the chopper they had hopefully called to get me down? I oOpened my eyes, and to my shock it was neither. The skies had changed, suddenly they were all red, orange and crimson like a renaissance painting, a dark, hellish scene. Before I could process my surroundings, I was thrust into the fiery clouds of war. I could hear cannon fire in the distance, see great warships, steampunk monstrosities like giant iron sky whales, firing human bullets at the floating island forts overhead. The fire from the airborne battle spread, seemingly to consume the whole world below. I then suddenly saw an army of winged men and women, angelic soldiers with wings of gold, charge into battle, as rTiumph of the Valkyries blared in the background. The moment was almost too high octane and operatic to handle, that was until I caught my reflection in the steel side of the oncoming draggable, and saw in its reflection, that I had wings too, as large and angelic as the soldiers, one of witch saw me, and rose from his troop to question me.
“Soldier, return to your post!” tThe commander said, dressed like a golden Bismarck. The words spoke for me, as if I had always been in this battle.
“I—I don't belong here!” I stammered up at the general bathed in holy light, then a painful silence overtook us like a calm before a great storm.
“We must fight for freedom, even if we must die for it” the general said, addressing his winged regiment with the passion of Aragorn leading his last charge on the Black Gates.
But freedom from what? Why did I know this war?
Why do I suddenly feel a surge of control, of winning empowerment, of glory of grasping the burning iron rains, gripping the bull's horns for dear life and knowing no matter the cost for once, you won't let go. I could for the first time direct the course of my own ship, flap my wings, explore, fight., I could feel this rush of adrenaline as they blew the Battle horn, echoing the start of true bloodshed. And, I suddenly, antithetical to my true personality in the heat of battle, I became a different person. I suddenly felt I could take my life back, instead of being taken, and would fight till my dying breath for it, freedom, to live and die exactly as I am, no less.
Suddenly, a salvo of arrows flooded the winged soldiers, including me, one piercing my left wing and causing a shockwave of pain, like an electrical current to shoot through my body, and hindering my flying pattern.
“Charge!” tThe general cried, and despite my injury, I tooso charged with my winged bBrethren into battle, holding nothing back, attacking the airship like a dragon chasing a knight on horseback, and blazing the countryside around him.
Suddenly just when I thought we were getting the upper hand in battle, shootting our own burning arrows at the airship, breaking their gclass windows and even burning one of them so bad it crashed into the sea, the fleet just kept on coming until we were outnumbered, there were thousands of winged men, and just like that, the thunderclouds rolled in, lighting stuck the distant ocean, as a deluge began pouring and soaking all of us,the rain pouring down and the skies turning black and blue, which created a sense of dread in the army of winged freedom fighters, along with the mounting fleet from the dark army surrounding us on all sides.
“If we die, we die with honor, for in death at least we shall be free,.” tThe General repeated, slowly drawing his sword, as one by one, all of us in his army were trapped in a giant net they realized was surrounding us from the sides of all 18 airships surrounding us between them, and trapping us like fish. From there, every last one of the soldiers were locked in little birds cages, trapped in the belly of the ship, they said they would be war prisoners trapped in a zoo – or an oddities exhibition back home, to gawk at, never to once taste the sweet fruits of freedom, ever again.
I shuddered at the idea, now bruised and bloodied myself., I was the last to go.
The dark soldiers in their pitch black uniforms, out of time out of space, hardly affected by the rain, came for me, they descended upon me like poachers to a wounded rhinoRino, holding my cage in their hands, approaching me, trapping me backing me up against the side of the biggest mother ships where they were keeping all my brothers and sisters inside. I could hear their screams.
“No! get back, all of you, I’m not going, I'm not…I've spent my whole life in a cage, you think you can lock me up for the rRest of my life—-think —again.”
I mustered up the courage to fly away, away from the horrible , even with my broken wing. I flew, high above the battle, then beyond that, I flew and I flew and I flew, soaking in the rain feeling the painful wet drenched sensation between my legs as I could taste the clouds for which the rain was like tears to them, so close to the skies great oceans, so close to freedom…laughing, unable to believe that Id actually done it, Id gotten away.
I couldn't belive it I was flying on my own, I did countless twists and tricks and flew faster and faster flapping my wings till my whole body ached, I was never coming down, I had always been afraid of heights, of flying, always ruled by helplessness and fear but once I got this taste of freedom, I couldn't believe what I was missing.
All I ever wanted, my whole life, was to be free, to live a normal life where im allowed to be me. If I could ever find that, where I could be free, I love Viv and all I want is to make her proud, but all I want really, truly is to be…free, able to live as others do, whatever that means. In that moment, I felt as free as I was ever going to get.
Till I flew into their trap, into a larger, darker cage they had laid out for me.
This was never going to end, was it.
But no, I couldn't just give in—
I screamed at the dark soldiers to let me go as they grabbed me and me into their massive floating cage—
“No, no, I will not be your prisoner any longer!! Let me go!”
“Woah there’ The dark soldier said, holding me tender, staring down into my soul with kind eyes.
“Open your eyes, buddy, here I gotcha, we gotcha, you're gonna be ok, your gonna be ok.” The other said, in a soft motherly tone, yanking from open air back into the choppers depths.
Suddenly, the rain had stopped, it was a sunny day just as it had been, and I was face to face with a coast guard team sent to retrieve me, two massive sailors in tactical gear left me on the floor of their chopper, it was just..business as usual for them, though my existence was a secret.
Well a secret, until now.
“So you're not surprised, about me being able to..you know,” I asked
“Well, I mean…Not every day you see a flying college kid, but, we seen worse.”
“You have?”
“Trust me kid, you don't wanna know.” The southern soldier said, I noticed the other one was a girl, when I was close enough to hear her voice past her thick helmet. She crotched down beside me.
“So, what's it like?”
“So, what's what like.” I said, flinching, and suddenly becoming rather uncomfortable, this song and dance ringing all too familiar, and tiresome.
“You know, being able to fly by yourself!? Being up so high….no parachute, no spacesuit—do you ever feel like you're closer to god?” She asked eagerly.
“I mean, Is god meant to make you feel so helpless?” I said.
She looked stern, and unpleased at my brutal honestly.
We rode the rest of the way back to campus in silence.
They left me insideon the chopper to sulk in my own crushing guilt on the floor, they talked amongst themselves, as I looked up at the soldiers like a helpless puppy, clueless, back to being empty, making the short ride back down to campus feel like eons. I shuddered, still haunted by all that had just happened, and even more terrified for what was still to come. Like my reputation wasis for sure toast now, right? I mean there was really no coming back from that.
God, I just hoped Viv was merciful, that's all I could do now wasis hHope. I didnt belive in god, But I still had faith in good things happening to good people, and all I could do was hope. Hope for mercy, for forgiveness, hope Viv would come around, and give me a second chance.
But none of that felt possible anymore, something deep down in my gut told me she would punish me harshly for this,and I would have deserved it.
Right now it all felt too grim too distant; I couldn't find the angel in the landfill.
I Just hoped she didnt take me out of school because of this one mistake, but if she did, maybe it would be for the best. After all, what kind of impression did I make today? What kind of friends would I make after this, my reputation wasis soiled, my semester wasis already ruined. So, at least if she took me back to the hospital today, I wouldn't have to face the consequences of my little spectacle. I just….I wanted to make her proud so bad. And I'dve only been here a day and I'dve already blown it, maybe I wasill be sympathetic enough for a second chance, but who am I kidding, guys like me don't get second chances.
Nobody gets second chances anymore.
I was startled out of my self soothing daze when I felt the ground slam. Just when we touched back down on the quad, the first thing I noticed was that, everyone was gone, they’d all gone back to class, or gotten bored of the spectacle, or maybe they just didnt wanna face all the cop cars, and military personal now flooding onto campus,god on top of it all I’dill probally get shit for that too. From what my brother saidsays the only thing college kids hates more then fFinals , is cCops. Or Pigs as he calls them, god…just wait till he hears about Today, he’d probally make the whole thing sound like one big joke, witch to be honest is the only thing that coud cheer me up at this point.
“Hey kid, here's the plan, we're gonna take you to the nurse's office and get you checked out”
“Oh, no that’s, really not necessary—I’m fine, I promise” The two soldiers laughed.
“Sorry it's not up to you. You just flew as high as a F-16, you're not going anywhere. Also- your sister called us, she was worried something like this would happen, she's on her way over now, and let me tell you she's not a happy camper” The female coast guard said, laughing at her partner I sighed. Pretty soon it was coming down hard, so they took me to the nurses office to get away from the rain.
The school nurse was at least a warm, disarming presence, but maybe I'm just most comfortable around doctors, though I wish I had met her after pulling a tendon at the gym, not this. She was an old, fat, librarian type, with an enormous head of Curley ginger hair and a warm, cheery Christmas disposition.
I sighed, looking around her office for something to read, an encyclopedia hopefully, but all I could see where tattered old heath magazines with beautiful, perfectly proportioned men in 80s speedos on the covers, just nothing but Mens magazine, and Fitness magazines spread across her desk. Magazines, upon magazines next to snow globes, and little beanie babies, that all looked both used and fresh out of the box at the same time. I sighed out of sheer boredom, the massive slog-wait I imagine typical for her, being backup'd up with a zillion students vying for her attention, but I'm sorry, i'm not exactly the patient type. I audibly grunted in frustration at her taking her sweet time with me, I get it was dinnertime and everyone was the dining hall, but could she really take any longer? I'm fine, I just wanted to insist to her, but I knew that wouldnt do any good.
I just watched her as she paced around her office, stirring her tea, and flipping through my medical records, as she scoffed at their length.
“Hey so…just for the record, im fine, they got me down safely-”
“Wow that's a new one–I thought that kind of thing was just in the movies, you know, Peter pan, superman-” The nurse said cheerfully.
“Oh, yeah I've never gotten that one before” I said sarcastically sounding more meaner, thaen I wanted to. I honestly felt bad, she was seeing me at my worst, so much for good first impressions.But I was wet and tired and embarrassed and I just wanted to go to my dorm, and go to sleep -and wake up when I wasi'm 90.
After tThe nurse checked me out, not sure of what to even do for someone like me,ine, she ended up just confusingly taking my temperature and checking my pulse over and over, as if that would show a damn relevant thing.
“You need to check my helium levels–”
“Oh honey, we don't have the technology for that…hmm maybe we should take you to the hospital, St. Marges is just up the road we sent alot of kids there last year, Finals is Overdose season.”
“NO! No, do not do that! Please please, please I'm so serious—-” I frantically spat, grasping her hand hard and gripping it for dear life. She swiped it away, looking disturbed. She plopped her clip board next to the pink Stanley cup on her desk.
“Yes, well, pulse is good, you seem to be alright–considering the ordeal you just went through.”
“Yeah…” Suddenly my mind flashed back to the battle…my bloody wings and-
The cages.
I shuddered at the memory before doing all the necessary mental gymnastics to shove those thoughts as far down within me as I could muster. I hadhave no time in my life anymore for such flights of fancy, so to speak. The nurse glared at me, turning a page on her clipboard.
“Well, it also says here–You're supposed to be wearing weights right now, you're not supposed to take them off, your doctor stressed this in his letter to the dean—”
“Speaking of the dean, I’m supposed to meet him soon, so uh, thanks for all your help, but I really better go.” I said sliding off the table before she blocked me.
“Not so fast young man, your wights, where are they–I tell the same thing to my Bipolar kiddos, gotta take your meds, cant have you all, flying off the handle–”She cracked herself up.
“I uh—I burned them, yeah they got burned in the fireplace at Huntings Hall Study, I was just reading your…very pristine and up to date copy of the encyclopedia Britannica, and I took them off for a moment, to scratch an itch and before I knew it, some silly kid bumped into my chair and kicked them into the fire place, it was a really unfortunate accident”
“Oh really, then can someone please explain to me why they were they stuffed under your bed, in your dorm room, where they remained for the entirety of the day?”
“Hi Viv” I sighed. There she was, clogging up the slim doorway with her dark shadow. She looked pissed, scowling with one brow raised, precise and sharp as always, clad in her scrubs, straight from the pitt. Holding my wights in one arm and a massive Starbucks iced coffee in the other. I slumped on the nurses table, looking guilty, trying to not look her in the eye.
“Hi? Are you —sorry, ma’me, this is my little brother” Viv said dragging me off the table, slapping me on the back of the head, to stand at attention by her side.
“Oh you must be his Mother” The fatter Nurse cooed.
“No, im his big sister, and legal guardian. He’s not giving you any trouble is he?”
“No, I was just making sure he didn't hit his head on the moon.” She just cracks herself up, doesn't she.
“And reminding him to wear his weights…” Viv asked, looking at both of us, shooting us with the Lazer gulit-stare.
“Yes, he should have them, It says that right here in his records.”
“That was his one condition of coming here, and he couldn't even follow one simple instruction, could he?” Viv said.
“No, but he’ll be better about it in the future, isn't that right, Icarus?” The nurse said looking at me knowingly and wagging a finger, smiling like a psychopath.
“Yes, yes I will never go outside without them again, I promise”
“Its not me you have to convince, its your dean, now come on, were already late” I slid off the table, Viv handed the nurse my weights as she anxiously checked her rose gold Apple Watch, tapping aggressively on the screen.
“Here, Honey, let me help you put these on, oh my, aren’t these heavy?”
“Yeah…” I honestly forgot being without them all day, how much it hurt to wear them. She helped me into the tight Velcro suit with over 1,000 pounds of wights pocked in different sections all over the body, 200 pounds on each ankle, 300 pounds on my chest, 100 on my ass and shins, 400 on my lower back and 100 on my crotch. Ok im blowing it out of proportion maybe just a tad, it actully totals abiut 100 pounds but it feels like im a midevil knight crushed under the waifht of a bluewaight.
I slumped over, unable to walk fast and every step took the strength of a strong-man.
After a long while of waondering through old, oak halls lined with old chandelier. As well as creepy old photos of fancy old white men, the stuffy smell of old wood and parchment chocked me out. Each painting was paired with gold plaques and the occasional door Viv begrudgingly opened for me as I lumbered miles behind her. I was already succumbing to the pressure, missing my hospital wheelchair, remembering when I first got these, no one believed I could walk in them, they were convinced it was the only way I could ever go outside, and even then Viv still didnt let me for a whole year, when i turned 18 was the first day, I ever felt a real sunrise, it was worth not being able to sit upright for a week. and Ive worn them ever since, indoors and out, Viv makes sure of that.
Every step I felt the pressure of oceans, the agony of chains, of cages, like trying to run in quicksand. Nevertheless, despite how long it took, I finally made it to the dean's office, panting and sweating like a dog.
The dean's office was a colossal oval chamber, white as ivory, with marble statues of naked women shooting arrows and holding harps, and grandfather clocks, lining the massive doorway. A white carpet covered the floor, paintings of different donors and founders covered the endless white walls, one painting in particular was the biggest and most imposing of all. It hung directly above the dean's stark white desk. I shuddered at being in a room so white, the room felt like a canvas, that insisted on never being painted and still calling itself art. The room was ugly. empty and unsettling yet demandeddamaged a pretentious kind of reverence. It reminded me of the hospital, only instead of preserving lives, it seemed like the kind of place where they come to an end.
“Ah! Mr. Lightfield” The dean said rising from his desk like a mountain. He was a wide man, with a giant white head like the moon, he was, without a doubt Dick Chiany, Orsen Wells and the Judge from Blood Marian's bastard child. Imposing, and unsettling. A man with secrets stored somewhere in his giant head, a man that could expel or execute you with the snap of his giant mushroom fingers, he sent shivers down my weak spine, especially when he smiled,
“Come come, have a seat, don't be shy, many great men have been where you are now.” His voice low, booming and frighteningly southern. Me and Viv and I sat before him, I was shaking, she crossed her arms, still staring at me in disapproval.
“So, you're not in trouble young man,Im sure you know why your here. I’m sure I don't have to remind you that the little circus you caused today cant happen again. I’m sure I don't have to repeat that we are a very prestigious institution, people look to us for example, and I mean it's already made headlines —”
“I’m sorry, sir, it won't happen again.” I shyly said, hardly able to maintain eye contact with the imposing man.
“Yes, well, you haven't got much of a choice, now do you. I don't think you understand what kind of liability you caused for us this morning. We had to call in the coast guard, the coast guard! Do you have any idea what that looks like to the public? We are still dealing with the fallout from another scandal last fall, we can't afford another.”
“What kind of scandal?” I asked.
“It doesn’t concern you, and if you stay on the right path, you'll never find out.”
“Oh…”
“The point is, son, you have tremendous promotional, we would hate to see you throw it away because of your inability to manage your condition. A disability has never stopped some of our greatest alumni. Do you know we have had Kennedy's go here? JFK wasn't the only one who was wheelchair bound, but he too didn't let his affliction stop him from achieving greatness.
“I see.” I said, uncertain.
“We let you in on the condition you would wear your weights, now, this is your one warning, son, but you are not to, under any circumstances, engage in flying behavior, without your weights or in any way neglecting your heath, for any reason. If you do, I’m sorry but you won't be able to withdraw, you will be expelled, it’s simply too great a risk to the other students. And its not fair to them. You understand, don't you?”
“I-uh, of course, yes, yes, I understand.”
“Good, now me and your sister and I must talk amongst ourselves, for a moment, why don't you go run along, the dining hall is starting evening prayers, if you leave now, you'll be there in time for dinner.”
“Aren't you coming?” I asked the dean.
“What!?” Viv grabbed my arm in hysterics.
“Me? To dinner? Oh No!” He cackled, grasping his massive belly bursting from his ugly grey suit.
“I have my own private chef, now, if you behave yourself, you won't even see me till graduation. Now, run along.”
“Alright, thank you, sir.” I sputtered, anxiously making as quick an escape as I could, dying to get out of here. But I ended up just lumbering out of the room at a snail's pace.
“Of course, it's what we do here.” he bellowed after me, before I slammed the door. He frighteneds me, I preyed to god he was right, that It would be so easy for me to just be a good obedient boy as id been all my life for the next four years, that this was a one time thing, and not a harbinger of what wass to come. I wonder what they would they were talking about in there? I wonder why Viv wasn't more mad, I wondered who that man was in the painting. Too many of my questions remained unanswered that day. But one thing was for certain: this whole thing had made me work up a massive appetite.
AndBut anotherone thing stayed with me, like a dagger to the heart.
I was so…close.
I finally realized what my brother was always going on about.
Once you get a taste of true freedom, everything else in your life starts to feel like a prison. And ten times as unbearable, and once you see a glimpse of heaven, really bask in its light and Trump in its possibilities, surrounded by angels you were to, ready to fight for, it's only a matter of time, till you reach that freedom again.
It's only a matter of time till this hard and heavy life is no longer enough, till you need to get back to those fiery heights.
Or perish in the process.
Chapter Two.
Icarus Vs the Real World
I missed the opening prayer at dinner, witch is probably for the best I never much liked them, my family isnt religious, nor am I. But whenever Id read books including scenes of the characters saying grace it always made me squirm, like its good to be grateful but god didnt make that food, your maids and cooks did, god didnt bless you with good fortune, you’re just rich.
And if they were poor, it was almost too sad to read, god being someone's only friend and ally in a life of poverty, its an almost schizophrenic complex, You cant help but pity. If I had any friends, I would hope I could get them to believe in better things then god, real things, like true love, good friends like the romantics had, and winning at Uno and Hungry Hungry hippos, games I had fond memorys of at the Hosptail, and no longer own, because they were part of the live-in ward supply….me and all the other teenagers with terminal CF, Cancer and other sorid death sentnces, would often barrow them from the shallow little brown closet, and never even bother to return them. Some of my best friends, well my only friends all loved those games, they loved beating me at UNO every time, most of them are dead now.
Speaking of witch, I needed some new friends. This morning, making friends seemed like a fun easy perk to college life, something I'd have all the time in the world to get right, Having friends seemed unavoidable, bBut now its an urgent necessity, and no longer a gumtree. I need to forget about Viv, the Dean, and refocus my energy onto making friends, and fast. Otheriwse I might have no one to back me up when things get rough.
And something in the air told me things were about to get rough, real rough.
I looked arround the massive oak dinning hall, looking like Hogwarts or how I imagine Cambrage or harvard had their dinning halls, instead of modern cafiertias these prestortic mason-logedges gave one the hollowed sense of revnrece and tended to remind you of the incredible amount of time some places have existed on this earth…well that and the sheer price of ones Tutition. Either way since I missed prayers I wasnt permitted to eat, as was a rule I found out tonight the hard way. So I just fiddled with my pocket eneocpdia I pulled out of my long brown coradorow Jacket, my only jacket. And Began to read, squished in the benches at the mile long oak table of real candles, passing and spilling of chowder and venssenen, trying to ignore the squawking, flirting and all arround maham of half of the school shouting over eachother. They looked rich, they smelled rich, but I really had to realize I have no idea what rich people look like, anything ive ever read, can no longer be trusted as true, if today was anything to go on, having almost no life experience was going to ceatch up with me evertneually. I was so hungry though I was having trouble staying awake,and sitting upright not to mention the aching joint pain and spinal strain from my Waights, witch I was used to but newley bitter by having experienced such a joyful respite without them today, well right before I lost control, making me quiver with emebrasshment. Im never letting that happen again, but based on the way the other kids snickered, and gave me weird looks, whispered and pointed from all sides, made me shrink into my crapmped seat.
I was famashed, so much so, I couldnt even obsess over the vile remains of the day. I tried to reach for some food, after a while of drolling, and holding back the painful growlks of my stomach, when no one was looking, I reached for a half empty half eaten plate sitting across the table, but was quickly swatteed away by a headmaster, who happened to be migrating past the table at that exact moment. Perfect.
“Boys who are on time, get fed, this is your last warning Lightfield.”
“Sorry, sir” I whimpered. Burying my head in my hands on the table.
I’ll have to go to the vending machine in the dorm lobby and prey they havent run out of scooby snacks and rockstar enengery somthing i would need tomorrow to have any chance of staying awake. I was too tired and starving now to even attempt at making friends.
it seemed so easy in my head lying in my hospital bed all day, sketching out future freinsgroup, fantasizing about what I would say, and do, and love to so many fanstaning passionate people, like the characters in the books I read, and the movies Grover showed me. I imagined I would have a merry band, who reocnized my intrinsic ineletect and unique perspective, ignoring my condition einterly. Like the dead poets socicty, or Stand By Me, a rat dag troop of underdogs who would sweep me away in their mystical other world of drama, intrude, passion, and life of endless reckless abandon. But Darthmore isn't anything like I thought it was, everyone is…so far away. Already in so many cliques, pre established friend groups, with so much history, inside jokes and owed favors between them, how the hell do I fit in to it all, is there even room, am I simply too late? Did I miss childhood, my teen years, and now i'm starting my 20’s without a clue, like I really was born this morning, and we all remember how that went. I might…like my brother need to start making peace with being alone, but ive been alone all my life, don't I deserve some company, after all my waiting…probving I could be good to Viv, proving I could handle this, handle the real world as I am, and manage my condition I couldn't help but thik…if this is what the world is like, maybe I was better off living the rest of my life chained to some hospital bed, reading eneocpidas and browsing forums on my favroite Inventors, and rewatching the Dead Poetes Socity for the 1000th time. Maybe that would be a better life, one lived vicarshicalsy, instead of presently, maybe nobody lives anymore, maybe we all just Exist. One of my brothers Favorite Poets said that, Im sure his name will come to me. Oscar Wilde! Yes that's his name, he always knows just what to say.
But now, none of that was any comfort. No one would talk to me even when I tried to make conversation they just ignored me, still making those awful judging faces. They haunted me, whispering and even talking at full volume about me, as if I wasn't there, as if I couldn't hear every stinging word. They didnt know me, they hadn't any of them shown an interest in being my friend unlike half the other freshman and transfer students even the oddballs or creepy ones. They welcomed them in wkth open arms no hazing no bullying just brotherhood. So why not me?
Well I know why, they all think I cant fly that it was a fake, it was all some attention seeking stunt, their now comcvinced that i'm desperate looser, that im lame for getting the cops called on campus because now they wont leave campus and tonights the night of a bunch of off campus and on campus parties i will no doubt get blamed if they get raided. I even heard some of them whisper and gossip around me like flies, rumors that had spread in only a matter of hours, on apps I had never even heard of, that I was a lab rat, a mental patient and am only here out of nepotism because my sister slept with the dean, then they got progressively more outlandish I could hear one girl say.
“I heard he shat in his hopstail gown, and stunk up the place, his stench even killed a man, oh I would pity the guy, expect I also heard hes racist, and belives the earth is inside out, so I dont feel bad for these posts making fun of him” Posts, what…posts. Oh god. I tried not to fall into an anxiety sprial about what that could mean, it all was a bit too much I considered just leaving, while I still had a shred of dindianity intact.
. Just when my mind had wondered to underland, some rich looking kid, with a rollex, a nazi haircut slid next to me. He smirked, looking back at his freinds, and plopped a full, warm rich smelling plate of food in my face. He turned his head arround real quick to make sure the headmaster was gone.
“Hey mate, you can have my food?” I was surpcious, getting the general impression they were talking about me behind my back, aand this was part of some sick joke. Trying with all my might to fly under the rayder, that was all a charade now, as I could feel eyes on me from all angles like a parrot in a pneneoctcon, or you know, a zoo. So at first I ignored him. That was until my empty stomach started making my choices for me. ANd I gobbled it, a whole cut of turkey drenched in gravery, I slobbered it down my gullet, without even a fork or knife
“Woah there, where are your table manners. Though I guess you never learned them—in a hospital, haha.” He high fived one of his “mates”, gloating all the while a I turned bright red.
“What?” How did he know about that!?
“Everyone knows, are you kidding. Your the guy who pretended to fly getting the cops called and running the first day of class for everyone”
“I dont know —what your” I cleared my throught.
“Maybe…your thinking of someone else. I have no idea about the guy your talking about…but thats not me”
“Yeah, mate, I dont think so” He slammed my face into the food, before I could even say a word. Evryone cackled and giggled, as if it was the hight of comedy.
This was my cue to leave. I stumbled slowly down the spiral staircase, wiping the meat and mash pattaos off my face while fighting the urge to cry.
I was ready to go back to my dorm and finally get some rest, god knows I would need it for tomorrow. I couldnt hold my tears or my defistation back any longer, I tripped over myself, running out the door, as fast as I could.
That was, until I saw her. I stopped dead in my tracks face to face with an angel, the same angel who turned me away this morning in class, clad in the same flower crown and white dress like a fairy. She burst through the doors, I was trying to escape through. Surrounded by blue-suited, American flag pin wearing rich kids, passes around cigarettes, downing bottles of Cognac. The girl stared me dead in the eyes, as I quickly wiped tears from them. Her friends snickered, looking me up and down, clearly recognizing me. She stepped forward, getting real up close and personal. Making me shiver, and I couldn't help but be intoxicated by her.
“So, your the one everyone is talking about, huh?” Its strange unlike this morning, all of a sudden she was…intrested in me. I was learning fast, that in the real world, fame, even infamy could open up one's social circle like a vein.
“What is “everyone” Saying about me? Nice things I hope.” I nervously squeaked. Naively looking into her eyes for a comoftring answer, despite just having had the truth shoved into my face.
“No its like…you can fly…why didnt you lead with that this morning”
“Didnt I?” I said,
“Yeah I guess you sorta did” She giggled, fiddling with her phone in one hand, pushing her hair behind her ear, to reval her face, even more gorgeous then I realized. Though she quickly turned back to her friends, to laugh. All right in front of me. Why was she talking to me really…what did she want? I ended up feeling sort of mocked and suspclious by her and her rich friends cornering and mocking me in such a manor. Did she even want to make freinds, or did she have another agenda yet to be revealed.
I may be neive, but I could still tell when admiration had an undercurrent of superiority, laced with passive aggression, and gawkery. Like how everyone mocked Grover growing up for being in a wheelchair, by pretending to be his friend only to yank the rug out, and reveal the mere idea of being his friend was so inherently hilarious and impossible, that it self evident, he should have known it was a joke, the problem is its hard to laugh when the joke is on you. Some might say a dignified man does not befriend those who seek a “friendship” based on mockery, and lowering you to a station of Indignity. But, alas, I didn't have any friends yet, so beggars can't be choosers.
“Hey” I shyly said
“Yeah?” she asked, her voice brimming with vocal fry and cool girl snark. Her breath tinged with hard liquor. I think in that moment, under her spell I would have done anything she wanted.
“So, what…can I do for you, on this fine evening…?” God no, that was too forward.
“Well, were having this party tonight, At Joydn’s place no big deal, all the people who matter will be there”
“Of course”
“And everyone has been hoping-”She ran her ringer along my coat sleeve.
“-That you would make an appearance’
“I donno, I have alot of homework, and im pretty tired—” I could see her loosing interest, fast.
“I mean…yeah, yeah, yeah I’ll come.” Who was Jodyn, must be polar if the party is at his house. Id never been to a party before, maybe I shouldnt, I might loose control again. But something, maybe it was fate, or my crushing desire to have any good experiences, and slaavgae the sliver of hope I could still fit in at this place, whatever it was that pulled me there, I was all in.
“Great, oh my god tonight Is gonna be legendary”
“I should hope so, its such a fine night, perfect weather for a party” I stammered.
“Well…Ill see you there, flyboy” She blew a kiss, and then proceeded to make out with persubebely her boyfriend, before exixteitly running out the doors into the courtyard, and jumping into her roofless black Mclearan, that sped off into the Night. I stood outside Huntings hall watching them drive off in a daze, trying to manifest something good for tonight, to prey I could still turn things arround. Despite all those nasty things they were apparently posting about me, some people still wantd me, maybe something positive, some friends even, could come out of this…curse of mine. Maybe tonight ill meet my fellowship, pepole I can actully rely on, that I can fall in love with. Pepole who make life worth living, and for the first time ever, actually have a life to live. I just wanted to be free, to be happy to go on adventures, do things modern pepole cant afford to do, to risk…I just want to go crazy and do everything I have missed out on my whole god danmm life. I was bursting with desire, and restless fever. Until I realized something.
“Hey!!! Wait, you forgot to tell me the party address, I don't have a car, how am I sopposed get there now!?!!?” But it was too late they had already sped off into the night, and were likely halfway there by now. I slumped, leaning on one of the greek columns and stared into one of the stayres eyes, standing guard at the sculpture garden.
“Why me—Why did god have to make me both stupid, and useless—couldnt he just, pick one” The stature stared back, its blank expression only furthering to aid my decent into hopelessness.
“Oh JESUS FUCK!!? CRINABERRY CHICKEN SHIT CHRIST—FUCKING BAMBO–SON OF A BABOON BITCH SHIT, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!” I spazzed out, actually warenting some shocked and disturbed glaces from a flock of freshman walking by.
“What THE HELL am I gonna do?!” I buried my head in my knees. A moment or two passed, I heard something…that pulled me out of my prolonged state of despair, something that reminded me of Grover, of home. The Iggy pop song the passenger, was blaring at high volumes, pouring out of a safe haven nearby. Anyone playing that song is alright in my book. I got up, dried my eyes as my hair and coat blew in the wind. I looked for where the source of the gorgeous song could be coming from. Then I just closed my eyes to listen for a moment, to fall into that liminal space between heaven and earth, between dreams and wake, life and death. that space I cant help but float into when I need to give myself over to the extraordinary.
Suddenly I was on a distant planet, somewhere full of life, old trees and massive wondering consumed the dance floor, it was on a canopy of a nation sized tree so large, it appeared to be an endless field. I waondered through the field for a bit,until I stumbled upon a small circus tent, at the far end of the clearing.
The tent was glowing like a castle covered in fire flies, I could hear the music emanating from it in all directions, iggy pop, and all the music of the 70s blended together in a dark, driving fantasy. The of ssound of sensation and sex pulled me in. So I floated inside– crippled by awe.
It was the 70s, aliens dancing in tight v necks and bell bottoms, alongside humans, adults and children alike. Then and there, the sky of the tent opened up and the stars were dancing to the music along with us, so were the planets and the goddess of spacetime and her love, reality, both clad in andgrongous glam rock, spaceage jumpsuits and jive, boogying, across the disco-sky.
I wondered if I could find a soulmate in this rock n roll star-circus, All the men making looks at the women, and the men, and the women making looks at the men and the women, and everybody in between, making love with their sunken in, celebrating eyes, fromform across the dance floor, without even saying a word. I wondered, if despite the fact I was clean awful at eye contact,. iIf I could try to do the same, but even in dreamland I still felt out of place.
So, I threw myself into the dance, they started playing T rex, the Velvets, Suzie Quartro, The Talking Heads, The Germs, Queen, Elton John, David Bowie, Jobriath, Roxy Music, Placebo, you name it. Then back to the passenger as if the song was scoring a moment that would change my life forever, for the first time in my moment, I actually listened to the lyrics, and never felt like any song summed my life even more. Just a passive, passgender, trying to enjoy the ride, of the city’s ripback side, but everything looks good tonight. For another moment my feet were on the ground, I was at peace with riding alone. I wasnt flying i was just falling.
Falling in love
And that's when I saw him.
Our eyes locked like a phrospcy. He came over and grabbed my hand, we did every dance from human history, and alien history too. For a moment I was lost in his black emo hair, his dark green eyes, and full smile, he looked young, alive, he looked at me like he already knew me, like he loved me, he didnt just love love, but, he loved me and all the weakness and achos it brings. It felt with his hand arround my arm as the whole circus parted like teh red sea just to watch us dance, as we became drenched in the rainbow spotlight. It felt like our love would outlast war, and the end of the world as we know it, if felt like he was here, my wait was over, no matter how bad life would get from now on, at least I’d have him.
Wouldn't I?
“Hey” my dreamlove said
“Hey Nice moves. You fuck with iggy?” hHe said with exited passion.
Ssuddenly I snapped out of it, back flat on my ass in the sculpture garden sulking back to realitys slums. But my spaceage lover was still standing before me, clad in full leather and navy. A navy blue leather jacket, patchy blue pants, dark blue doc Martin's and a blue beanie to match. He smiled down at me helping me up off the ground as I remained speechless.
Holy shit he was real.
He stood outside his van he had pulled up to the road beside the sculpture garden where id been dancing. How long had I been dancing? I suddenly felt a massive cramp in my ass, dancing with weights is actually kind of painful and exhausting after a while. I looked at him my mind too distant to speak, still in a daze.
“HUh, what? I mean…yeah my brother used to play me that song”
“Thats cool man. But what do you think of it?”
“Me, I –I mean I love it, ive always fantasized about going on a spontaneous romantic movie montage road trip set to that song, if my life was ever a movie you know, the soundtrack… should include Iggy Pop, if they can afford the licensing fees, of couse.”
He laughed, genuinely not to mock me, but because he genuimly thought it was funny. A new experience i didnt know how to react to. He looked down, he was beautfuil, rugged, possibly welsh, with big flowy partly curly black hair blown over his eyes. He was pinkish and muscular, a bit more bulky, while I was all bones. And his smile was just as dismaring and powerful as it was in dreamland. He was even prettier then the girl who invited me to the party. Why was he talking to me of all pepole though? Didnt he know I was social kryptonite?
“I mean, between you and me,” hHe leaned in, and whispered,:
“Evryone secretly wants an iggy pop road trip montage.”
“Haha, good to know i'm not a total weirdo”
“Awww, man. I was hoping you were. I only hang out with total weirdos, so”
I couldn't tell if he was being serious whatsoever. I blinked twice. He just cracked up at my confused expression. Like it was his first time seeing someone not fall to their knees, to worship the very ground he walks on. He just kept on laughing.
“What's so funny?” I asked.
“Nothing”
“Ok?” Suddenly we were both laughing. But then he got rather serious for a momment.
“I know who you are, everyone does. but im gonna pretend I don't for a momment, because somthing tells me they are wrong about you, they usually are. So let's start over im Robert Masters but my friends call me Robbie, co founder of the killer queens club and proud artist,anarchist and professional trouble maker” he said as I shook his hand with glee. Nice firm handshake,oh gosh, I was more touch starved then I thought. I wanted him to know me, for the first time in this whole fucked up day, in my entire fucked up life, I wanted a friend, a real friend. Maybe that’s selfish, im not owed companionship, But I at least want the chance to prove how good, and loyal a friend I could be, if someone would ever try to get to know me, the real me, I hoped he would be the one, But didn’t dare bring myself to get my hopes up, he was too good to be true, I had to be carful. Grover said to watch out, for the saudctive types will love bomb you, they know exactly how to spot the lonely boys and make them fall madly in love with them, until you need them like water, and just when you’ve opened up, just when your good and loyal, good and theirs, they reveal their dark side, will beat you, and control you, and keep you in another cage and you will love them so much, you wont be able to do a darn thing about, becuase you wont want to.
I could only hope Robbie would be different. I stuck out my trembling skinny hand, and he kissed the back of it without a second of macho hesitation.
”So what’s your name, you have got a name haven’t you?” hHe said, coyly.
I'm Icarus Lightfield” I regretted using my real name right away. I looked down in regret, if there was ever a time for fresh starts.
“--but, all my friends call me Ick, and i do have friends mind you, lots of them…yes including at this very school”
“Ohhh I believe you dude. Ick-I love it. Sounds so ___trashy __ but like John Waters /Divine sort of way, not any Republican senators internet history —sort of way”
“Uh, thanks?” He was overwhelming, passionate, he lit a criggertete as he studied me.
“So,.” hHe said, saductivly.
“Are the rRumors tTrue?”
“What rRumors?” I thought he wanted to have a fresh start with me, clearly he knew the rumors, what was he expecting me to say here?
“Oh, Don't play dumb, Ick, old pal…you know I was there today, right? I saw you. Flying above all the bullshit, man I wish I could do that, just for a second, to soar beyond all their tired attempts to control us, it's such a perfect metaphor” I suddenly felt I could be very honest with this kid, unlike everyone else he semed the genuine type, the type I’d been searching for all my life. For the first time, I could feel my guard lowering. I blushed suddenly he moved in closer leaning over me on the ghostly collom, as the world faded to silence.
“I would give anything, for just one second, to have been you today”He swooned.
“To be soaring so high above this fucked up place.” He paused his wistfull , envious rambling, noticing I started to look uncomfortable for the first time.
“You don't want that” I whispered, trembling, inches under his smirk, so confident and cavalier but not insincere, I just stared up at him doe eyed and desperate. Like he was either about to kiss me or skin me alive. I had quickly beocame addicted to his unpredictably, his puckish charm. He was so much more alive then all the others, I had never felt so taken with someone before, I didn’t want this moment to end. The way he saw me, and viewed me, I was like his muse, his inspiration, no one had ever had so many things to say about me, beyond just reading off my diagnosis, or endless speeches about how much of a burden I wasam.
But I had to tell him the truth, I couldn’t let him be so romantic about the hell I was trapped in, it didn’t make me feel better, just misunderstood witch clearly isn't what he wants. He couldn’t think it was so grand and romantic to fly, if he insisted on seeing my soul, he needed to gaze upon my suffering, just as ripe and real, that even If it hate it is the one thing that truly defines me, if he sees that, then were really getting somewhere. You know, im not surprised at his rose colored glasses, he’s an artist, im sure he sees all of life this way! Must be nice. And besides, No one really sees anyone else's true pain anymore, not even pretty boys like him.
His energy and Manausism were manic, he was always moving, dancing around me like my shadow, his eyes lit up when I gazed back at him, suddenly desperate for him to understand me. He smiled at me, lighting another cigarette as if he could tell I was unhappy with his romanticism, and wanted to convince me otherwise.
”Seriously? You know what, I don't believe you. I almost died today and all you could think was, damn that looks Awsome, I wish I was up there, getting mocked and almost hurdling my bare human body towards the open stratosphere? No, Your insane, your really insane. I mean…no one could possibly want that?”
”Why The hell wouldn’t I want that? Dude, who doesn’t want to fly, every time I got asked as a kid what superpower I would want, I chose—boom—flight, every time. Dude, consider the possibilities, I could go anywhere I want, all around the world, I would never be bound to stay anywhere for too long, no chains, no lies, your like the ulmite fuck you to the ruling class who try to keep us stuck in the same gutter we were born into, but unlike the rest of us, you dont have to play by those rules dude, you can just fly past all of the bullshit of the world, and one day take us all with you. You could save kids from war zones, and fly away from any shitty job you’ll ever get, win any fight, and not to mention, go on free vacations anytime you want, I mean, dude, who wouldn’t want to be you?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at his chid like wonder and pure unbridled romanticism, but at the end of the day, I had to be honest.
“You say that now but…in reality, you would hate being me, really though. I can’t even fly, I can never learn to fly, in the opinion of the best medical authorities, I have no control over when I float, im just at the mercy of my anxiety, I have to wear these stupid weights, I can barley move in, I spent my entire life in a hospital room, I have no idea what the real world is like, my only friend is my brother, and on top of that, im not funny or interesting enough for anyone to look past any of that.”
“That’s…bullshit your like the funniest guy I’ve met in a long time”
”Ok, well that’s like your opinion. Trust me, I‘m cursed ok, I'm not some magical creature, literally have a medical condition, you know that, don't you?” I said, looking frustrated.
“Is that what they told you? Such a tragedy, thats how they forced you to think about–such a beautiful thing-” He cupped my cheek with his hand, looking deeply melocolic, and effected by me. I pulled away. Suddenly breaking free off his spell, his beauty, his gaze, remembering why I was still stranded here to begin with. I dusted off my coat and tried not to show my blushing jitters.
“Hehe, sorry, as much as I’d love to stay and talk about myself all night, im actually running rather late…Im on my way to a party”
“A party…not bad for a freshman” Yeah a twenty two year old freshman, just hearing someone even someone as enegmatic as him calling me a freshman sent a singe of ripe humiliation down my spine, as if I wasnt embarrassed enough all the rest of the time.
“Yeah its Jodyn Boar’s, I was just invited. But I dont think im going though, I havent got a ride.”
“NO way!” He belted out, kneeling over cackling like a clown.
“What—whats so funny–am I just so pitiful huh, so pathetic I could never get I invited to a popular kids party right, Of course they invite me as a joke then speed off, letting me think…like a fool, anyone would ever seriously invit me to anything? I get it, im nothing but a joke to you” I suddenly stormed off, growing dark, and overcome with self doubt, knowing he must have been mocking me like all the others, danging a sense of kinship, trust and hope over my head like a cruel carrot.
“Wait! Ick, no–ha, ha, it’s not like that.” Robbie quickie cought up to me. Containing to blovavate.
“Life can be so…full of surprises, dont you think?” He sighed, swinging his blue leather jacket sleeve around my shoulder, pulling me in tight.
”Huh?”
”Yeah? It’s so full of surprises, When it stops surprising you–you must be dead” what the hell was so surprising, what was he talking about? I looked puzzled and worn out. Was I a joke to him or not? can’t he ever just get to the point? I just wanted to know what he really thought of me, but he wasn’t gonna give it up that easy was he? I didn’t want to admit but I was suddenly deeply invested in his world, in finding a way to join it, to understand him, learn all of his secrets and above all win his approval, and keep it, even after he got to know the real me, the ulmite test I was now dreading with beads of sweat forming on my forehead like raindrops on a corpse. I was starting to blush, and become far too obvious, he smirked down at my bright red cheeks, with his arm still around me, he smirked down at my face giving me away, all flustered and flushed, he just raised and eyebrow and smirked like he’d seen it all before, reducing me to ruin. I frantically scrambled to cover it up with defensive snark and reluctantly. I crossed my arms.
“Do you always talk in pintrest quotes?” I said, crossing my arms.
“No—ha, ha.” He got serious for a moment.
“Ick, I wasnt mocking you—god, im so so sorry—that many pepole have done so before me, I just-.”
“You know what, I haven’t got time for this. well…not much you can do, about it my fate is sealed. I can’t go to the party my once chance to redeem a horrible, vile, cruel and unusual punishment of a day, and if I can’t even do that right, I just want to go home. I dont want whatever mind games your playing, and I dont want your pity.” I turned to leave.
“Do you want a ride?” He stood with his arms crossed as i stopped in my tracks, wirling arround to rise my finger in protest.
“A ride?”
“Yeah to the party, my freinds are meeting me there. Oh youll love them, ill introuce you, and we have some big plans for tonight, god, it will take all the attention off your little amture scandal by tomarrow, trust me, it will be all anyone can talk about.” He was so confident, yet I couldnt help but doubt him, its like Grover always said, pepole who are too good to be true are trying to fuck with you,or sell you somthing. Besides he…he was beautiful, but he clearly didnt understand my life,my struggles, yet he acted like he did, witch make me squirm, made me want to prove him wrong. Suddenly weather for love or hate, I was cought in his net. To invested, to let go, something told me life now, would never be the same. He looked at me, such eye contact may as well have been an orgy,I wasnt used to such a lanquid stare, it was vomiting, and intoxicating. So I stared back and walked up to meet his gaze.
“I should just call my brother, he’ll drive me”
“Youll be late, why not just drive with me in Ursula, she has about a tank of gas in her-” He slapped the trunk of his hippue hyde dye painted van like an ass, winking at me.
“Besides I was just on my way there anyway”
“I dont know”
“We can listen to iggy pop” He extended his hand. I conietered for a moment. Fuck it.
“Deal” I took his hand.
“God, Life really is a surprise party,” hHe said smilingsmirking at me, so wide I thought his cheeks would burst, yanking me into the passegender seat, and we were off, into the unknown, ecstasy where I’d always wanted to be, but I couldnt quiet the fear burbling in my soul, that I preferred the empty evil comfort of the hospital days, knowing how each one would end, to the painful, living terror of the unknown.
But thats life, and I was finally living it.
Doesn't quiet the anxiety, though.
But he was so Beautiful, as he drove us out of Dreamland. To Babylon.
Chapter Three:
The Passenger
We drove by trees, mountains and fyords, transversing every layer of the upstate rolling hills and endless Forrest’s. We drove on the empty high way pass land filled with trees blending together like rolling oceans in the night. The moon was full, glowing like a guding lantern, I could see stars and reocnize consistaions, I even cought a shooting star in the car merrior, or was it an airplane? How much could it matter, it was bueatful, it was all so…bueatful, the world was so wide. We drove past so much of the Catskills, id been arround but never seen, so many tiny houses among clifftops, malls gastations usre but also miles and miles of forrest, and land that haddent yet been consumed by the human machine. I ran my fingers out the window as the wind of the world flowed through my silky brown hair and sent shivers down my spine, this felt so wrong, sor ebellious, running off with a random boy, he could drive me to kill me for all I know, but no, were going to the same party. And were gonna have fun for once in my life no stress no intrupetions, no bullying no scams, nothing, just a good party and a good time.
I kept telling myself over and over tonight was gonna be good, maybe if I kept saying it, I would drown out the anxiety, and I would keep controll this time, keep on a good path. I just nevrously smiled back at him, as I listned to him rant and ramble at me a milion miles an hour, soaking in every word. He went on momnulouges about mental illness, his experince with bipolar disorder and decion not to go on meds, the Killer Queens club mission and perpouse, Mad Pride, and all of his exes who still go to Darthmore, incuding apertenly Joydn Boar himself, the son of Sentor baor, who was the man onthe painting hango over the deans desk, I had a feeling that man was imporanat. Well Important and deadly apernetly he’s enemy 1# for all disbalbed pepole in the state, and are espaically worried now that he has the eaar of the president. Wow I had missed alot.
He ranted about love, about crazy stories of him and his freinds, “LOREDUMP” as he called it, about his favorite movies and books, the perks of being a wallflower, steal this book, alice and wonderland, jude the obscure, 120 days of sodom, some mertious old Naustsic tomes, and more. He went on about madness about his mission, He went on and on about his artists and activist troop called the Killer queens club about how they would be there tonight, repeating himself over and over as if he was used to the world ignoring him, but I didn't mind.
The more he talked, the less I understood, but the more I liked him. The more I was fascinated. There was so much too him, most people feel like theres hardly anything there at all, I could tell he was full of layers, of stories, crimes and contradictions, of raw, earnest radiating humanity that I'd forgotten was still possible. I was shy so him being a talker and not expecting me to talk was comforting, he had so much manic energy It was infectious. He popped some pills and drunk down an unlabeled liqior boddle on his dashbaord. He screamed with excitement at his own pretty words, as he played Iggy pop loud enough for the whole state to hear. He played the Passenger again, witch we both sang along to. After witch I wanted to play the Passenger on repat, but I just let him play through some of Iggy's other Best albums, witch I don't even think my brother had shown me yet, so it was my first time hearing them.
Part of me didnt even want to go to the party, Id’ be happy just driving arround with him all night. He turned to me, red in the face from all his ruckus singing along, to Iggy Pop’s Lust for Life, turns out on top of it all like my brother Robbie was in a rock band, called, Dandy’s of the Underworld based on the T rex song, of course. God his taste was impeccable, just like his jawline. He turned to me.
“So, you really got perposally invited to this fuck-show? Me and the gang usually just…show up? Though were always the life of the party?” He winked at me, hardly looking at the road.
“I uh, I mean…Yeah this girl I dont think I even got her name…she said it would be like “legandary” If I came. or something like that, in truth I probably should have asked a fair few more follow up questions”
“I hear that! It was probably Amie, Joydn’s new girlfriend, she likes to invite people behind his back, to test him-Did she have a tattoo of a shooting star?”
“You know what…yes, yes she did actually" I raised an eyebrow.
“I knew it—Hey dipshit, you're blocking traffic!! Are you asleep at the wheel! Come on!! Sorry for that indecent display, God the traffic tonight is offensive! It’s always abysmal nights where you have somewhere to be, somewhere hell desperately needs rasing, is it tough being the life of the party? or what?” He hollared. I blushed.
“Oh I wouldn't know—I’ve never been to a party before. In fact…dont laugh, but I've never been to anything before. Before today that is.” He looked me up and down, puzzled then he shot me a wicked grin, amused, curious, yet, unsure of how to respond, he didn’t seem like he hung around many Virgins for life. It was like a nun trying to get to know one of the characters from Rent.
He clearly is unsure of how to proceed. I could see his gears turning, while still keeping up his his manic spirits.
“So! Ick, tell me about yourself dude, I feel like we kinda skipped that part, I wanna know it all, every fabrluous thing, and dont leave out the jucit bits either, mental illness, adiction, daddy issues, doubts, insecurities, imposter syndromes, genderfuckery, politics, secrets, sexual fantasies, poor taste, bad breakups and worse hookups, regret, and total insanity, and everything in between! those are the best parts!” Jesus was he trying to get to know me or integrate me? I still didn't know of if I could trust him, so I kept some things close to my chest, but I told him what I practiced in my mirror every morning, in preparation for this very moment, telling him what would make me sound not pitiable, but reasonably sympathetic, and not telling him enough to keep me mysterious, and string along his interest so he doesn't get bored and drop me. The balance is quite key here, its a delicate dance.
“I uh…well im sure you heard, you know online and through the rumor vile and whatnot” I shly mumbled, sinking in my carseat.
“No, no were forgetting all that bullshit, and starting over remmeber?”
“Right, right. Well I was born at some point in 2003, my extact birthday has been contested due to a combantion of poor recond keeping and secrecy by my family and saint marges.”
“Awww thats awsome that means you can pick your own”
“Well, never have had the need…since my sister forbid me from celrbating my brithday, and christmas, and easter…and the fourth of july for some reason?” I said
“Wow, she sounds like a grade A bitch”
“No, no she’s, shes great, I owe her my life you know. Besides theres not much to celbrate in a hospital”
“Man, dont mean to pry but with your conidtion, you must have spent a lot of time in the hsopatil growing up–”
“Alot more like…All, All of my time is more accurate. I mean I was born in a hopstail, but unlike most every other member of the human race for witch this is true, I…never left”
“Really? Sounds like a real hoot”
“Yeah, heh, heh, I spent every second of my life after that within her walls, so I wouldn't float away, I used to be strapped to my bed round the clock on the third floor long term Terminal ward, before they designed my weights…these cursed things” I pulled up my white button down shirt to reveal the black skin tight weight suit underneath. Robbie gasped, getting very serious all of a sudden.
”Ick, Im so sorry” He solemnly whispered. He was so in touch with his emotions, I was in awe of him, most pepole would awkwardly just try and change the subject, he gave me permission to be honest for the first time in what felt like forever.
“I thought I was gonna die there.” I said
“I know what thats like man…Ive been to my fair share fo hopsytails before, trust me, im never going back”
“You were sick too?”
“Sick in the head…thats what they say anyway. But seriously hold on…am I hearing this right, you spent all your life, all twenty two years….in a hosptail? They never even let you out to go to a protest, go bowling, or even like…go to school?”
“Nope, never” I smiled, and sighed.
“Man, That’s crazy child abuse dude, what are you quausmotio? They can’t legally do that, to another member of THE human race!…Can they?”
“I dont know….it just what Viv, Dr Shmitt and my team thought was best, for years, but when I became an adult and my mom got fired and lost heath insurance, it became a lot more expensive to have me there, Viv didn't trust her to bring me home…though I’d been homeschooled, I disobeyed Viv's orders, that I wasn't cut out for college, that I couldn't handle it. I applied behind her back, it was the first time in my life I disobeyed her. Frankly today, it seemed like she was proven right, maybe I can’t handle it here”
“What no—You can fly dude, do you have any idea how many pepole would give up their first born to be able to do what you can do.”
“But I can’t that’s the thing, I can’t control it”
“Maybe you can learn, like a blind man learning to walk again, to read braille, you know they told the same thing to Helln Keller that she would never be able to read,or speak and look at her now”
“Hellen Keller is dead”
”Not the point dude, ha, look I don't know why they never thought you this, even once in a lifetime disabilities are still possible to live with, just becuase they didn’t do any reasarch into it doesn’t mean they wont in the future, you…are the master of your own fate dude, and you dont need to live your life in fear, you can take back control of your life. I’ve seen it happen, and ist one of the most incredible sights to behold”
”But….learn to fly, where would I even begin? Besides, I'm afraid of heights.”
”Hey I bet It’s just like riding a bike, or learning to walk again with prosthetics, you know…it just takes some creativity, and practice and support and I have no doubt you could do it. I just met you and I already believe in you, imagine having full control, not being at the mercy of weights and being afraid of your own emotions, of the Great outdoors”
”But—-what would VIv say?”
”Who cares you dont need her now, your a grown man Ick, you dont need to be her bitch any longer”
”But I need her, she pays my bills and her money is what I survive on, beside I would die without her, what if I loose control and she’s not there to help me come down”
”You know what this sounds like—-Stockholme syndrome dude, this bitch got you locked up in a hospital for your entire life, and you really think she’s gonna let you go now? I think she’s made you dependent on her dude, what you need is to be independent, even if you don't learn to fly right now what you need to at least is to fly…away from her”
“ wanted it, I wanted to go to college, it was my only ticket out, I knew if I stayed in that hopstail any longer, with nothing to show for my life…I would have died, but not from floating away….from….well nevermind” I had gotten to real, I wanted to ramble to take it back, what I had implied was too dark, to vurunable a nerve to hit. But he just bit his lip, glassy eyed, and painfully genuine he placed his shaking hand on my knee.
“Its ok dude, I’ve been there” He sighed.
“I just…felt likea prinsor you know, like whats the point of being proected, being cured, of being kept alive…if you never get to live” Why was I telling him this, opening up to him so fast?
“I couldnt agree more” He said.
“Besides I could never fly, Viv says I can't fly on my own, that I could never learn, its impossible, all I can do is wear my waights, repress it, hide it and be stable to get through life unscathed. She still doesnt even want me out here, I cant even imagine what she would say if she knew I was here tonight.”
“Your Sister says alot of things huh” He said rasing an eyebrow.
“She…shes not like that…shes all I have, shes my legal garudain, basically raised me like a mother when ours wasnt arround, she wasnt arround most of the time…always off patrtying in vagas or Ibiza. I owe her my life, all I ever did was make her life worse, and I owe it to her to be good, even if she hardly is, I just want her to br proud of me.”
“No life worth living, ever makes your parents proud” he said as if it was self eveident.
“I don't know about that—OH SHIT”
“Jeez Ick I pegged you for a prude, this is the first tme ive heard your swear all night, so this better be good”
“Yeah Good isnt exactly the word I would use”
“Whats wrong”
“I forgot to give my roomate back his pencil”
“THATS IT? I thought you were gonna say somthing juicy, like you got your Econ professor pregeanet over summer break…well I guess I now know you were spending summer break covered in tubes watching re runs of Freinds on a tv smaller then my radio”
“No, this is serious Robbie! I haddnt met him yet, I havent made a good first impression, I have to spend all year with this guy, what if he thinks im a theif, or worse a bad housemate!? he wasn't there last night, I took the pencil off the floor knowing it was his for class, But I always intended to give it back, im not a total heartless uncaring bastard you know” I turned to him with pleading eyes.
“No…no, you seem like quit the oppsite actually….but wait, did you say he wasn't in the room last night” Robbie said, deep in thought,searching his memory.
“Yes…?” I could see a streak of realization flicker across his eyes. Before he smiled and began cackling like a madman,
“HOLY SHIT!!”
”What, What’s wrong?”
”I had a feeling I recognized you, so you're my mysterious roommate! Ha! So that’s why you didn’t even bring a suitcase? Oh shit, now this is really getting good.” It took me a moment for his words to sink in. I blinked twice.
”Uh, uh, you!? Y-Your my roommate?” I stuttered.
”Yes, those were my paints; I really should check in on those. God life really is a surprise party! Oh fuck!” He turned on a dirt road and quickly hit the breaks when he pulled up to a massive marble mansion, in the middle of a massive clearing atop the mountain that overlooks campus and half the state of New York, that we’ve been slowly driving up.
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